A Paper Clip on a Pocket

It all seems like a distant memory. One day you wake up and look back and smile at all the laughs, all the happy times. If I try hard enough, I can still see us riding in your truck, those awful camo seat covers under my legs and the windows down with the air blowing through my hair because of your broken AC. Back when times were simpler when our primary concern was where we were going to eat lunch that day. The long games I sat through to see you at the end, to hang around with the other girlfriends waiting for their guys to come out of the locker room. The late nights when we didn't care that we had school the next day because we wanted to spend every waking second together. Every minute was cherished like it was our last. 

I remember the looks we got; everyone was pea green with envy because we had something they didn’t. Silently cursing myself, how did I not see you sooner and why didn't we meet at the beginning. I remember the first night we hung out; you asked me while we drove home if you should take the short way or the long way back to your house. I smiled and said, "Take the long way," even just two extra minutes with you was worth it because that was 120 seconds more that I could see you smile or hear your voice.

I think about how happy I was, how every breath I took seemed so full of purpose and life. I felt lighter, and I smiled bigger, the world seemed so much brighter with you in it. I look back at our moments and they play back like an old movie with those overly romantic montages.

Fast forward to the night it ended. How I woke up the next morning crying pray to God that it was just a nightmare only to realize that the heartbreak was real. Days went by and I didn't hear anything from you, then came our class graduation party. I walked through a crowd of smiling faces all so full of wonder that high school was officially over. While they were all living in the moment taking in the final hours together as a class, I was stuck in a daze, watching every passing minute hoping it would be over. Everywhere I turned was a reminder of you. I felt suffocated by my heartbreak, wishing I could jump out of my skin and cry at the top of my lungs. Then I saw you, I remember us talking, and you jokingly threw a paper clip at me. (just your way of dealing with awkward situations I guess). I picked it up and clipped it on my pocket for some reason, only as a thought of you. Something I could hold on to from you that wasn't you. It seems silly, but at that moment it mattered. 

Years later, I still have that paper clip attached to the pair of jean shorts I wore that night. I have never taken it off of them. I don't know why I can't bring myself to remove it and toss it. It's just that when I wear them, and I slide my hand in my pocket and feel the gentle brush of metal from the clip, it’s a reflection of those beautiful memories we shared. 

Silly to think that a small unanimous object can hold as such a remembrance, but it does. All those bitter sweet times of joy, happiness, laughs with the occasion tears (mostly me cause I’m a crier as you already know) seem all so long ago. like a distant cloud that still in sight that sways in and out of the suns light. Making me focus and refocus.

That simple clip serves as an expression not to ever forget and by all means I have not. The memories live on making me smile. Those happy thoughts are attached to my heart...like a paper clip on a pocket.